Some games just grab you by the short and curlies right from the beginning, with their fantastic story arcs, amazing graphics and intriguing gameplay. Then some games make you want to suddenly burn the game, the console and your living room into oblivion, then while questioning the meaning of life you leave the house and join a cult that worships small goats. This is one of those games.

Iron Sky: Invasion is developed by Reality Pump (that says a lot already). It is the official video game to accompany the 2012 feature film ‘Iron Sky”. It’s story, if you can call it that, involves a Nazi Invasion from the moon. They have been hiding there, as you do, since the end world war two. Your job is to pilot the slowest space craft in the world and defend the earth from other very slow enemy space craft.

The main campaign is very like the old Wing Commander games in the 90’s with Mark Hamill. There is some video mission stuff and bits of narrative and then you shoot Nazi things in space. That is it. It’s like a flight simulator in space but with all the fun taken away. You can upgrade or change your ship as the story progresses but there is really no need as one ship is as bad as another. You will die quite a lot, and the lack of save points will make you repeat the torture again and again. Then in real life there is a big chance you will actually die of depression.

The video section is so badly written you can see the actors eyes imploring you to put them out of their misery and kill them now. The character you play is voiced by a actor so annoying and vile , that I was soon trying to fly my space craft into the sun to kill us both. Here’s another thing, if you hit another space craft or space station or the earth you just harmlessly bounce off it. Classy.
It feels like a game from a different era. It would be still be as terrible if it appeared on a ZX Spectrum in 1984. It only takes 800mb to install on your hard drive which you tell you a lot by, as most arcade games require a hell of a lot more. So for a fully priced retail game it really is better just to burn the money now.  I am now obsessed by burning , see this is what the game has done to me.
The content is so weak and unvaried that there isn’t much more to actually review. I have played this game for 4 hours and am about three quarters of the way through , but I am afraid I  could not be make the final push. My girlfriend could not stand my crying and begging for it all to end so she pulled the plug.  There is no online play except leaderboards. This only has a few people on it, probably the poor actors from the cut scenes forced to play the game before they can get paid.

Conclusion

The Gameplay is diabolical; the graphics are visually sub standard. The cut scenes are some off the worst writing and acting I have ever experienced since from my own school naivety. This game should of have never been made. PLEASE DON”T BUY THIS. Use the money for good, fight crime, swim with dolphins, just don’t ever climb in a space craft and fight moon based Nazi’s.